Crushed Optimists

We are twin brothers who grew up in Central Washington. This blog is devoted to the life of Seattle sports fans, as well as various other topics that we will espouse for your enjoyment. We could be called another OFFICIAL SEATTLE SEAHAWKS site, but we'll take our uneducated crack at the Mariners, Sonics, and Huskies as well. A Seattle Sports Blog? Must be the land... of crushed optimism!

Friday, November 03, 2006

The Scientific Method, Week Nine

I step outside for a week (a week, mind you), and discover that Nate is posting huge-ass posts about democracy (which just plain doesn't work), Timothy McGavick (bless his little conservative soul) posts a comment on a blog, proving once and for all that the Internet allows idiots a soapbox (in this case, the idiot was Nate), Gavin actually decides to write about the Oklahoma City Sonics losing (shocker!) to the Blazers because of no attempt at defense (uber-shocker!), and, in the final stunner, we learn that Japanese pitchers who have Cy Young capabilities can piss off rich Japenese businessmen and, once again, prove that the Seattle Mariners are the Baltimore Orioles West.

As for me, the highlight of my week was being able to skip part of my communication seminar yesterday afternoon and trek over to Hayden Library for a glimpse at former president Bill Clinton as he spoke at a Democratic "Get Out the Vote" presentation of awesomeness. As one of the few non-Democrats there (as Dr. Detecto pointed out, my political beliefs are in line with the stormtroopers, where we would have a dictatorial figure at the top who can simply crush Kim Jong-Il WITH HIS MIND!! He could build a fence at the border..... WITH HIS MIND...... and Ewok slaves, of course!!) I was proud to see a glimpse of how our current democratic system operates.

First, some doughy-white guy gets up and proclaims, "Look around you. Here is the TRUE America!" I did look around, and to my everlasting shock (this being Arizona State University), I found myself surrounded by rich white people. Unfortunately, I found myself thus agreeing with Mr. Doughy.

I then get to hear from three possible democratic candidates to the Arizona state legislature. According to them (so this might be slightly biased), the Democrats stand for higher education, whereas the Republicans stand for a theocracy-education based on a mixture of fear, Christianity, and voo-doo. I never knew that. Since it was already a half-hour from when Billy-Boy was supposed to arrive, the last candidate shouts out, "So.... here's the man you've all been waiting for!" The crowd "erupts" (more on thsi later) for about thirty seconds until it becomes apparent that no one is coming up to the stage. The three Democratic candidates are up there clapping to some stupid song, and finally Mr. Doughy comes back up and says that Billy will still be a little while.... but he is IN THE PHOENIX AREA!!!

As we wait, I am astounded to hear from my Democratic women friends around me that basically all of them have fantasized having sex with Bill Clinton. I tell them that I, on the other hand, have fantasized about having sex with Hillary Clinton. They don't believe me, mostly because I'm lying. I then inquire as to whether they would be concerned about the various, um, dangers associated from canoodling with the Bill-ster. To them, the thrill would simply overwhelm their fear. Once again, I rethink my decision to choose academia as a career.

A couple Republicans show up waving a huge sign for the Republican HOF candidate. Of course, boos shower down, various well-mannered individuals attempt to rip the sign down, and maturity reigns.

It's been an hour. Finally the big boys arrive. Jim Pederson (wants to be a Senator). Harry Mitchell (wants to be taller than 5'2"), and Bill Clinton. Some Hispanic democratic candidate who wants to be a state official claims that we should vote for him because of what happened in Florida, or, as he likes to call it (not kidding, this is seriously what he said), Flori-duh. My hope for humanity sinks to an all-time low. Meanwhile the crowd got loud for, again, about thity seconds before sinking back into an expectant murmur. I've seen more intense crowds at a Promise Keepers convention.

Pederson proclaims that we are the good guys in the fight against evil. Harry Mitchell boldly tells us that he is for change (which is great, because a Pepsi at the vending machine costs $1.25 now, and I'm out of quarters), and, finally, Clinton steps up to the podium. He begins (not joking here) with a come-on to the entire female student body, talking about how he looks out and desperately wants to be 20 years old again. Aaaaah. I've missed him. Suddenly one of the women I'm with gets a phone call. It's our instructor, who wants us back since this has taken an hour more than we thought it would. So, unfortunately for all of you, that's pretty much all I heard from Clinton. Basically, the whole experience cemented in my mind why I'll never be huge into politics.

So there you have it. TWO political posts on this blog in a week. Sigh.

Speaking of sinking into the depths of depravity, Petey Prisco just passed the scientific method into first place for this season. I deeply apologize to everyone. I'll try to do my best this week.

Atlanta at Detroit
Can someone please tell me when Michael Vick had TWO great passing games in a row? Even though I doubt that can continue, I have also promised myself that I would stop picking Detroit for awhile. Watch Detroit beat Atlanta by 40.
Scientific Pick: Atlanta

Cincinnati at Baltimore
Baltimore's defense looked dominant again against New Orleans, but the offense needed that defense to get favorable field position. Cincy has lost consecutive games where they appeared to outplay their opponent both time (both home games, as well). I can't imagine Cincy losing this many in a row.
Scientific Pick: Cincy

Dallas at Washington
The Tony Romo experiment actually got off to a good start against Carolina, and the 'Skins have looked terrible on defense. Clinton Portis, though, is expected to play, and you have to think that Joe Gibbs has something left in the tank, or else this season is over.
Scientific Pick: Washington

Green Bay at Buffalo
Sssh. The Green Bay offense has been clicking recently, with Brett Favre actually throwing the ball with accuracy and Ahman Green, while not spectacular, providing a running game and holding onto the football. Buffalo, on the other hand, is Buffalo.
Scientific Pick: Green Bay

Houston at NY Giants
Houston's offense hasn't looked that bad recently, though I didn't understand the move for Rosenthals during the game last week. The Giants, however, have been playing outstanding football ever since we destroyed them. I expect that to continue.
Scientific Pick: NY Giants

Kansas City at St. Louis
Speaking of awesome, what about the Kansas City offense. Last week has been the proper sign of a slowly improving offense in every facet of the game. Larry Johnson has completely turned his season around. Tony Gonzalez has decided to be a factor again this season. And Damon Huard hasn't played like a Huard.
Scientific Pick: Kansas City

Miami at Chicago
Again, I'm not picking against Chicago for awhile here.
Scientific Pick: Chicago

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
The TB offense sputtered as the defense didn't give them big turnovers. Again, those two wins were propelled by a bogus call and a 62 yard field goal. Not that impressive. New Orleans was embarrassed, but they're still a better team than Tampa Bay.
Scientific Pick: New Orleans

Tennessee at Jacksonville
The Jags are a tough team to figure out sometimes, but that defense appears built to stop the up and coming Titans offense.
Scientific Pick: Jacksonville

Minnesota at San Francisco
I appreciated New England embarrassing the Vikings last week to prove to them that they're actually not that good. As for San Fran, wow, you appeared to have no idea how to play the game of football last week.
Scientific Pick: Minny

Cleveland at San Diego
Another game that I hope I don't see any part of.
Scientific Pick: San Diego

Denver at Pittsburgh
Denver's defense got ripped last week, but it remains to be seen if Big Ben can actually play like an NFL quarterback this season. It is his fault and his along that they lost to the Raiders. Pittsburgh really has to win this, or else they are an abysmal 2-6.
Scientific Pick: Pittsburgh

Indy at New England
My favorite rivalry in the NFL. Peyton versus Belichick. Peyton won last year, but the Colts defense looks worse this year. Much worse. One additional question.... is that a mandate that this game must be played, every year, in New England?
Scientific Pick: New England

Oakland at Seattle
The day that I pick us to lose to the Raiders is the day I become an Arizona Cardinals fan.
Scientific Pick: Seattle

posted by colin_hesse @ 3:07 PM  6 comments


At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This blog is going down hill.

Stick to sports, because your political views are un-interesting, ignorant, filled with Christian fear, and hypocritical.

You love war, we get it.

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Gavin said...

Anonymous gets the award for "funniest post of the year". I didn't realize discussing an experience watching Clinton was warmongering.

Also, what the hell is "Christian fear"? I'm afraid of ravenous wolves coming to get me while I sleep. Is that "Christian fear"?

At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Jacob said...

congrats on being the most misunderstood guys on the net. Love all the ramblings.

At 1:03 PM, Blogger colin_hesse said...

Anonymous (since you didn't give your name, because you're awesome, I'll assign you the name Jimmy McWhiskers),

Jimmy McWhiskers, I can see your point. I do love war. I love "Star Wars". I love "The Return of the King", where they resolve their differences by squishing each other with elephants. I love playing "Tom Clancy: Ghost Recon", where I run around and kill people who are attempting to overthrow the Mexican (!) government.

What can I say? I'm a people-person. Bless you, Jimmy McWhiskers. You are the peaceful, loving yin to my war-mongering, Christian fear-hyping yang.

As for our blog going downhill, believe me, Gavin and I would disagree vehemently with that staement, since we doubt that this blog ever went uphill. But if you, Jimmy McWhiskers, believe that we are going downhill, then you, Jimmy McWhiskers, believe that at one point we were uphill, and I thank you for that compliment. That means something special, Jimmy McWhiskers. Something special to me. Never stop being who you are, Jimmy McWhiskers. I couldn't bear the thought of you changing.

You had me at war-mongering.

Colin (aka Za-Zul, Second Lord of the Demon Legion of Galgalek)

At 10:53 PM, Anonymous Jimmy McWhiskers said...

You were at 'uphill' - you succeeded in being crushed optimists, with witty and inciteful writing about Seattle sports.

But the 'I'm questioning being an acemdemic - I'm surrounded by libs' part of the blog stinks of conservative fear.

Conservative Christian should be an oxymoron. In today's political situation, it's fundamentally hypocritical, as far as I can tell.

The Rams lost today, so that's good.

At 9:03 AM, Blogger Hillary said...

My personal opinion is that you're all hilarious.


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