Crushed Optimists

We are twin brothers who grew up in Central Washington. This blog is devoted to the life of Seattle sports fans, as well as various other topics that we will espouse for your enjoyment. We could be called another OFFICIAL SEATTLE SEAHAWKS site, but we'll take our uneducated crack at the Mariners, Sonics, and Huskies as well. A Seattle Sports Blog? Must be the land... of crushed optimism!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Dear Winner...

I recently received this email and thought it might be the funniest thing I've ever seen. Let's go to the highlights...

Dear Winner

Well, they got my name right, even if (in the first of many such omissions) a "-" or "," is missing after the title.

We Apologies, for the delay of your payment and all the
Inconveniences and Inflict that we might have indulge
you through.

This is too rich. Instead of "Ultimate Explosion", I should start calling my posts "We Apologies". The comma following is great too. I did appreciate the apology, because I was wondering about the delay of my payment... wait a second...

Also, does one really indulge Inconveniences and Inflict? Do the Seahawks indulge Inflict on me? Probably. If it's anything like a kick to the junk than I know the feeling.

However, we were having some minor problems with our
payment system, which is Inexplicable, and have held us
stranded and Indolent, not having the Aspiration to
devote our 100% Assiduity in accrediting foreign

Indolent (adjective): Having or showing a disposition to avoid exertion

You have to give the writer credit. For apparently being a jabbering mental patient, he knows how to use the ol' Thesaurus. At least the words are big, and every time the word is big, it's also capitalized, probably so that he could point it out to his mother. "Look, mom! I used "Assiduity"!" Mom: "You're an idiot."

We apologies once again from the Records of outstanding
winners due for payment with {ONLINE CYBER
PROMOTION}your name and particular was discovered as
next on the list of the outstanding
winners who have not yet received their payments.

ONLINE CYBER PROMOTION sounds slightly dirty. I don't go to those sites. Really.

I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in
square whole and can be voguish for that your payment
is being processed and will be released to you as soon
as you respond to this letter.

I cannot begin to tell you the relief I feel now that the square peg is in the square whole. Also, what the hell does "voguish" mean in this context?

Okay, but at least the point is clear. I respond to the letter and get my ONLINE CYBER PROMOTION payment. And then I can be voguish.

Also note that from our record in our file, your
outstanding winning payment is US$950.215.00 (NINE

Sweet! Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars! For free! I can't lose!

Payment will be made to you in a certified bank draft
or wire transfer into a nominated bank account of your
choice, as soon as you get in touched with.

Mr.Fred Kumar

Sounds easy! Of course, Mr. Kumar only has a yahoo address, which might be a bit of a warning flag. Only chumps use yahoo email addresses.

Provide him with the following details, as this will
enable him to process and release of your cash prize
without any delay.

Your Full Name:..................................
Telephone and fax Numbers:.........................
Residental Address:...............................
Your urgent reply Mr.Fred Kumar via e-mail:

Let's get this right. To find a registered bank of my choice, I need to give Mr. Fred Kumar of my Full Name, a friggin' fax number, and my address? That's it? No "social security number", no "pin number", no "first born child into slavery"? Man, Freddie isn't even trying hard.

will effect the speedy release of your cash prize to
you within 48hours.

Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Jane Philips
Vice President

I'm sorry for referring to this writer as a "he" for the entire post. Mrs. Jane Philips, Vice President of "Retarded Rhesus Monkey Writing, Inc" is most definitely not a dude... I guess. I'm somewhat tempted to respond, just to see where this one goes. Anyone feel like giving me their residential address that I can use? Nach?

posted by Gavin @ 11:03 AM  2 comments


At 11:36 AM, Blogger nach said...

bite me

At 8:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bite us. Yahoo email users are not chumps.



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