Crushed Optimists

We are twin brothers who grew up in Central Washington. This blog is devoted to the life of Seattle sports fans, as well as various other topics that we will espouse for your enjoyment. We could be called another OFFICIAL SEATTLE SEAHAWKS site, but we'll take our uneducated crack at the Mariners, Sonics, and Huskies as well. A Seattle Sports Blog? Must be the land... of crushed optimism!

Friday, September 29, 2006

The Scientific Method: Week Four

Finally. The part of the season where the proverbial wheat is separated from the chaff, so to speak. After this week, the majority of NFL teams will have played four games, a full quarter of the schedule. Actual conclusions will begin to be made, and not the "Mike Vick is back" conclusion, or the "Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl" conclusions, but the "Ken Hamlin is the September NFC Defensive Player of the Month" conclusion, the one that is just awesome to read since this is the same Ken Hamlin who could have very likely died from the street sign to the head he received last year. When Gavin and I proclaimed the secondary our weak spot, we were disregarding the influence of Ken Hamlin. Oops.

Speaking of oops, days such as these make me super glad to be a Seahawks fan at heart. Why? The Mariners decided to retain the services of one Michael Hargrove as their manager, in a move that was well-received by Mike Hargrove and people who survive off of Mike Hargrove. No one else. I, personally, have never seen a worse in-game manager in my many years of following major league baseball. His lineups are confusing (Willie Ballgame hitting leadoff? Betancourt batting third?), his insistence on playing veterans weird (Carl Everett over Chris Snelling, his dismissal of Choo and Jones earlier in the year), and his bullpen management, at times, lacked what some people might term intelligence (Julio Mateo being used four consecutive days, for example). An entirely craptastic decision from an organization that really could use a shot in the arm for excitement. This team has completely disappeared from the magic of the 2001 season. I'm done caring for awhile here. Sorry.

Note: Completely disregard above comment if the M's procure the services of Schmidt and Matsukawa (sp?) in the offseason. Nothing beats a bad manager like excellent starting pitching. Heck, it worked for Ozzie Guillen.....

I also wanted to rag on Gavin's completely heretical commentary on prayer and science. Gavin's style of humor is, well, not funny, and I'm sure Jesus forgives him, so maybe the Big Guy can even heal Shaun's foot NOW just to spite Gavin. And Holmgren. I will say that in the social sciences (or fake sciences, as Gavin likes to say), prayer is an essential element to make it past another lecture on the intercultural effects of nonverbal immediacy in romantic pair-bond relationships. So, yes, Gavin, there is room for Jesus at the table, and I believe that you have an apology to make to Jesus. Look Him in the face, Gavin. You know that if He wasn't Jesus, He'd be swearing at you right now. But He won't. He's frigging Jesus. You know?

Enough heresy for one day (I'm hearing lightning bolts outside, anyways). Before I get to the picks, though, I want to make one final note. Nate has begun "posting" on this blog. I use quotation marks because the quality and length of his postings do not even begin to rise to the piss-ant attempts at greatness by Gavin. Thus, it is the firm law here at Scientific Methods, Inc., that we must rag on all other posters (I use the term we to describe both myself and the five other personalities living inside of me, none of whom are John Cusack OR Amanda Peet but one of whom is a French pastry chef who hopes to make it big one day and land a show on Food Network). So, Nate, prepare to give and receive.

You also suck donkey balls.

Jesus agrees.

On to the picks!

Arizona at Atlanta
While some might believe that I would take this moment to laugh at all the people who thought that Michael Vick was on his way to win the MVP award.... you are right. Mike Vick will sooner win another Heisman than win the MVP. The Saints actually prepared and made him throw. Vick can't throw the football. Never has been able to to. The Cards offense has been shut down now for two straight games. I can't believe that can be possible to three, no matter HOW many times Kurt Warner will try to fumble the football. C'mon, Arizona, you're actually making me feel semi-sorry for you!
Scientific Pick: Arizona

Dallas at Tennessee
When hundreds of reporters flock to THIS game, you know that either it is a really slow week in the NFL or people really believe that all of us care about that one wide receiver (what's his name? Without ESPN Mobile to tell me, I forget). The Titans, for all of you who might have forgotten, pretty much suck this year, with Kerry Collins throwing up junk ball after junk ball. The Dallas defense should shine in this one, masking another poor performance by Drew Bledsoe and my fantasy team.
Scientific Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at NY Jets
What is it with NFL writers? Two weeks ago Miami was the anointed team to take down the Pats in the AFC East. Last week it was Buffalo. This week the attention has shifted to the Jets. Understand this, national media. ALL THREE TEAMS SUCK! NONE OF THEM ARE GOOD, AND NONE OF THEM WILL OVERTAKE THE PATS!! Peyton Manning scores THEE rushing touchdowns in this one.
Scientific Pick: Indy

Miami at Houston
Wow. Can I pick a non-loser? I admit, I'm pretty disappointed in Houston so far this season. Not because they are 0-3, since they have had a pretty hard schedule out of the gate. But that defense has been atrocious. Just terrible. They made Mark Brunell look like the second coming of Joe Montana. That's not good. Daunte Culpepper might look like the second coming of Joe Namath or something during this game. Watch. The 2-2 Dolphins become the NEW flavor to beat the Pats.
Scientific Pick: Miami

Minnesota at Buffalo
At some point the Bills have to win one of these close games. Wait a second. They already did. OK. At some point the Vikings have to lose one of these close games. What? They already did as well? That basically takes all the fun out of prognosticating. Well, guess I'll just pick the game based on which team has far superior talent.
Scientific Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Carolina

All hail the Saints, who are on the road to the playoffs! After beating the Browns, the Packers, and the Falcons in the most emotional game since September of 2001! Look, their story is super sweet and super special, but that defense is still comprised of people like "The Asian Assassin Scott Fujita", a guy who failed to make any kind of impact with the Chiefs or Cowboys. Carolina, on the other hand, has found itself a much easier road to the postseason, as their main rival, the Bucs, have been destroyed by a combination of poor play, a poor sternum, and a tomahawk to the forehead.
Scientific Pick: Carolina

San Diego at Baltimore
Boy, that Steve McNair led offense sure looks awesome, right? The way they just destroyed the Browns! San Diego is on a mission to get to the postseason after barely missing the party last year. They will continue to get the job done.
Scientific Pick: San Diego

San Francisco at Kansas City
The Damon Huard show returns after a bye-induced hiatus last week. San Fran counters with Alex Smith and his small hands of awesomeness. Count me an idiot (Gavin usually does), but I can't imagine an offense led by Damon Huard is possible of beating any NFL team, even one as bad as San Francisco.
Scientific Pick: San Francisco

Detroit at St. Louis

I hate the fact that St. Louis is 2-1 and about to go 3-1 with a semi-crappy offense and a semi-crappy defense. I hate the fact even more that after St. Louis wins this game, Bill Simmons will renew this love and remind us all why he is so awesome and the rest of us so, so small. I hate the fact that Detroit has played like crap ever since we beat them.
Scientific Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland at Oakland
The one game of the week that I refuse to write anything about.
Scientific Pick: Cleveland

Jacksonville at Washington
Now here is an interesting game. Jacksonville has a weird tendency of playing to the level of its competition, especially offensively, where they have been abysmal the last few weeks. The Redskins have Clinton Portis back and healthy, and he immediately led them to a romp of the hapless Texans. Washington is an extremely tough place to play, and this loss takes nothing away from the Jags, who have shown me something these first few weeks. But, man, they really have to find more offense.
Scientific Pick: Washington

New England at Cincinnati
I would love to pick New England here in a game where they reassert their dominance to the rest of the league. Unfortunately, I don't know what that pick would be based on besides adhering to the Bill Belichick God-mode syndrome of the last few years. Tom Brady looks lost without any weapons, the defense is no longer dominant, and Maroney has a few years to go before he can truly become a featured back. Meanwhile, Cincy looks like the possible team to beat in the AFC as we begin the season.
Scientific Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle at Chicago
These are the types of games that Seattle fans have become accustomed to losing. We play well, we play hard, but we make a few critical mistakes and, even though we outplay the opponent, we lose. Maybe this team is different. Maybe they are special.
Scientific Pick: Chicago

Green Bay at Philadelphia

The crap Monday night schedule begins to rear its ugly head. Philly will destroy the Pack in a game that I will only watch until Prison Break comes on.
Scientific Pick: Philly

posted by colin_hesse @ 12:12 AM  0 comments


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