Crushed Optimists

We are twin brothers who grew up in Central Washington. This blog is devoted to the life of Seattle sports fans, as well as various other topics that we will espouse for your enjoyment. We could be called another OFFICIAL SEATTLE SEAHAWKS site, but we'll take our uneducated crack at the Mariners, Sonics, and Huskies as well. A Seattle Sports Blog? Must be the land... of crushed optimism!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

When Everyone You See is a Douche

In the stories I read growing up (what the heck, in the books I still read) like the Hardy Boys, Frank and Joe would have a fairly predictable storyline where they would be walking to:

A. The Gym
B. The School
C. Mr. McGillicuddy's Ice Cream Emporium

when they would suddenly spot a suspicious looking gentleman doing something suspicious. Well, to most people, that wouldn't mean a thing, since basically everyone looks suspicious at some point in their lives (like Butter's dad in Butter's own episode), but to Frank and Joe, that meant that they were hot on the trail of a crime gang that would somehow kidnap their father until Frank and Joe would set him free. Their father, by the way, must have been the least capable crime fighter since Barney Fife.

Good would triumph over evil. Intelligence (what little Frank and Joe had) would triumph over stupidity. And I would grow a little more into the well-rounded (not like Gavin) individual I am today.

Those are the good stories.

The story unfolding right now in Seattle is not one of those good stories.

The story unfolding right now in Seattle reminds me of the Clint Eastwood film "Unforgiven". In the movie, for those of you who only watch girl movies like "When Harry Met Sally" (hint: they fall in love) or "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" (hint: they fall in love), Clint Eastwood plays a retired gunslinger who is forced back into the game for one last assassination by a young wanna-be outlaw and a bunch of hookers, aided by his trusty sidekick, the remains of Morgan Freeman. They are opposed by a ruthless sheriff (Gene Hackman) and a rag-tag group of gunmen. No one wins. No one is a good guy. No one rides off on a white horse. Basically, it's all about the darkness of humanity, blah blah blah, and thus it won an Oscar.

Oscar likes himself some douches. Thus, if someone writes a movie about Seattle right now, they might as well entitle it "How Greg Met Howard: The Douche Chronicles", because they will automatically be guaranteed an Oscar, especially if Tim Robbins plays Howie Schultz and Jake Gyllenhall plays Greg Nickels.

It didn't have to be like this.

Schultz was already a multi-billionaire when he bought the Sonics. He owns Starbucks. You might have heard of that company. They make coffee and then make you order your coffee in Italian, like a sucker. Well, sir, Howie was super stoaked about owning a sports team. He was super energized, super enthusiastic, and super psyched, giving super quote after super quote about how he would take Seattle back to the promised land.

Instead, they drafted about ten 8 footers who all couldn't exactly play the game of basketball well, drafted another hobbit to play point guard, and actually hired Bob Weiss, a guy who looks like a nice middle school teacher, to coach the team. They also immediately began crying their fannies off about how expensive it was to operate in Key Arena, the Arena, mind you, that had JUST BEEN RENOVATED not ten years prior.

Seattle sports fans, including myself, thought, "Wait a second.... why is a billionaire complaining about money? Isn't he, well, a billionaire? I earn twenty-thousand a year, and he earns over twenty million, and he's complaining about money? Hmmmm. That sounds vaguely douche-ish to me."

So Howie talked about moving to the waterfront. He talked about moving to Bellevue. He even talked about moving to Renton. Nothing worked.

Meanwhile, in liberal hippie happy land, where money should only be spent on the arts and saving endangered species, Gren Nickels peacefully stuck his fingers in his ears and started singing, "Kum-ba-yah", of course substituting the words "My Kos" in for "My Lord". Why in the world, Nickels thought, would we spend more money on something that makes people happier? That's not the hippie way!

Regular Seattle voters were the ones who didn't like people talking about the Seahawks because it distracted from "global issues", like the (illegal) war in Iraq or the (illegal) presidential election or the (super-illegal) governor's election (no, wait, that was perfect). The Sonics also represented the NBA, which, as all hippies know, as contributed heavily to the decline of African American test scores across America. Worst of all, Howard Schultz was white, which meant that a rich white man was asking for more money. Well, that was the last straw. How DARE a WHITE OPPRESSOR MALE ask for money?

Greg Nickels reacted the only way a hippie knows how. With utter disgust, proclaiming Schultz's remarks about losses "stupid" and "crybaby-ish". The two then conducted a douche slappie-fight through the media, using naughty words like "poophead", "poop-for-brains" and "an alien from Ur-Anus".

Thus, the stage was set for the final douche additions to this farce. Businessmen from Oklahoma City. heretofore known for the "International Gymnastics Hall of Fame" (no kidding) and the "National Softball Hall of Fame and Museum". In other words, this is a city best known for a horrible bombing and nothing else.

Oh, did I mention they "happened" to host an NBA team from New Orleans this past year and attendence was pretty much awesome?

Well, obviously the group of businessmen didn't hear about that, because they overflowed with praise for the fine city of Seattle, down to the earthy qualities of Pioneer Square, the aroma floating in from Tacoma, and the other douches residing in City Hall. Never mind that they were from Oklahoma City, they were from Seattle at heart.

"Never fear, Seattle. Your fair team is safe with us."


If a billionaire "can't afford" to renovate the Key, are a group of businessmen from a city thousands of miles away going to renovate it? Answer: No. No, they are not.

If a billionaire FROM SEATTLE can't seem to coexist with the mayor, will a group of businessman from RedState USA coexist? Answer: No, again.

If the owner from Starbucks can't reach out to the people and hippies of Seattle with his soy latte's, will a bunch of cowpokes be able to? Answer: When Al Gore becomes President of the United States.

Thus, here is the scorecard.

Howie = Douche.

Greg = Douche.

Seattle hippies = Douches.

Ok City businessmen = Douches.

David Stern = Douche as well, but that's for another post.

There are no Hardy Boys here. No Jack Ryan's, no Sherlock Holmes', no Jean-Luc Picard's.

No Superman to cast himself on the cross for our sins (or was that Jesus? After the newest Superman movie, I forget).

No Kaffy (my dog) to get groomed and become scared by the dog in the mirror, not recognizing that it was himself all the time.

Not even a Rainbow Brite.

Who are the victims in all this? Me. That's it. I'm the victim. Well, and the rest of actual Sonics fans across the nation who grew up with Kemp, GP, Xavier, Karl, McIlvaine, Sleepy Sam, etc. The people who supported the Sonics even when they drafted people from Senegal and gave the Trash Bag King huge money to play the bench for several years.

Douches, listen to us! Renounce your douche ways and return to the light! There is still time to not be a douche! Stern, turn out not to be a douche and fight as hard for us as you did for New Orleans, a city with no economy that had had the team for about six years!

And for you, Mr. Nickels, I have these words, taken from my (or somebody's) uncle: "With great power comes great responsibility".


Colin Hesse and the Douche Haters League
Sponsored by Love

P.S. I'll even play you guys in a "Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle-Earth". You guys can have Gandalf.

posted by colin_hesse @ 3:10 PM  4 comments


At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Kevin P said...

WOW, someone who was willing to pay taxes for a sports team?

At 9:18 PM, Blogger Gavin said...

Over the monorail? You bet your ass.

At 11:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gotta love people who are willing to pay more taxes

At 6:45 AM, Blogger Freakazoid Freddy said...

I agree that they're all douches, but...why should the City taxpayers subsidize that latte swilling billionaire douche, which, by the way, Mayor fatBoy was very willing to do?
The City Council was putting the reins on the deal, but the Mayor is happy to subsiidize anybody worth at least a billion dollars.


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