Crushed Optimists

We are twin brothers who grew up in Central Washington. This blog is devoted to the life of Seattle sports fans, as well as various other topics that we will espouse for your enjoyment. We could be called another OFFICIAL SEATTLE SEAHAWKS site, but we'll take our uneducated crack at the Mariners, Sonics, and Huskies as well. A Seattle Sports Blog? Must be the land... of crushed optimism!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Joys of Breathing Out of One's Mouth

What the....?

Yes, dear readers, Colin is back, rising from the haze of pain medication and the wooziness of not being able to breathe through the nose and spending a little time reminding you all why you come here (hint: Gavin sucks). And, yes, that is a picture of a deviated septum.

The flow of blood has been staunched from my nose, now just being blocked by a splint and an inability to blow my nose, thus allowing the level of mucus to rise. I'm still not allowed to bathe or wash my hair.... basically, this is a 12 year old boy's dream. Lie on the couch, don't move, don't bathe, and get loopy off of pain meds.

It's just like being Rush Limbaugh except that I haven't stolen anyone's Viagra yet. Give me time.

Anyhoo, plenty has happened since last I posted, not least of which has been the explosion of offensive performance from the team that I THOUGHT was the Seattle Mariners, but who have actually been performing like a major league baseball team, including one Beltre and one Meche. Part of me has been scared by this performance, even more scared than riding the Incredible Hulk roller coaster at Universal Studios or seeing an actual 50 minute line for poor saps to go into Disney World's incredibly stupid attraction, "Stitch's Great Escape", a ride where you get it all.... no humor, no plot, no excitement, and crying kids. YES!!!

Speaking of rides, a bit on this after a week at these places:

First, you all must go on the Spiderman ride at Universal. Seriously. The ride is phenomenal, combining the best qualities of Indiana Jones, Star Tours, and 3-D movies. Put it this way. You honestly feel that Doc Ock is slamming one of those tentacles directly into your sternum, and it feels great.

Second, people, I'm not going to ask this again, but if you have a kid under the age of four, for the love of Rachel Ray, DON'T take the kid to a freaking amusement park. What in the world do you hope to accomplish by spending 100 dollars doing this? The kid's not going to remember it, you're going to be stuck going on stupid rides like Winnie the Pooh and Peter Pan, and everyone else has to be around your stupid kids. Wait until the kid is 48 inches tall and then take them. Until then..... pretend that the backyard is a gateway to another dimension or something. C'mon, kids are great at IMAGINATION, so allow them to express that in a way that doesn't cost you ridiculous sums of money.

Third, there might not be a place where you can see some worse acting then in amusement park stunt shows, and it doesn't get any lower than "The Adventures of Sinbad" at Universal. Just imagine about ten Keanu Reeves all pretending to hit each other while flashes of light happen at various points on the stage.

Fourth, the next time that your stupid twin brother decides to hold the rest of the family hostage and stay to see a ridiculous fireworks show at the Magic Kingdom.... be sure to remind him of his folly for the next several thousand years. The only thing about that experience that was moderately enjoyable was watching the several hundred people in motorized wheelchairs try to navigate their way through a solid mass of people. Note to old people across the world: THAT DOESN'T WORK. JUST STAY HOME WITH ALL THE LIGHTS TURNED ON.

Finally, EPCOT still sucks, except for this awesome ride called Mission: Space where Gary Sinise leads you on a magical journey to Mars. Oh, and I find it hilarious that MGM Studios devotes the beginning of their backlot tour to Pearl Harbor and famed director Michael Bay (and I miss you...).

But back to sports....

As an American who (to the chagrin of our anonymous, and probably French, commentator) has watched some of the World Cup and, thus, can say that most of the games have sucked monkey balls, I have to say that I never thought that any sport could make me long for Dick Bavetta..... but then I found soccer refs. Seriously, any sport that prominently includes....

5. Horrible refs
4. Girly-girl divers
3. NUMEROUS 0-0 or 1-0 trips to boredom
2. France
1. Games where one team can absolutely annihilate the other team... and lose 3-0

probably doesn't deserve to rise through the ranks to capture the hearts of Americans everywhere. Basically, here's what I'll say. Europe, you can keep soccer, and we'll keep football, baseball, basketball, golf, and college athletics. Oh, and you can keep SWIFT, as well. And EuroDisney.

Onto the NBA, where it appears that Adam Morrison's moustache already has more sponsors than Star Jones' moustache. Portland appears to be on its way up, at least if Brandon Roy has anything to do with it, while Seattle appears to basically have flipped the city off while Howie Schultz poops latte's all the way to Renton. Honestly, that was the lamest #10 pick probably of all time. The guy averaged 3.4 points a game. A game. 3.4 points. And we think that he's worthy of a #10 pick? You see, only in the NBA could that happen. You would NEVER see that happen in baseball or football, because those sports care more about NUMBERS, and PERFORMANCE, while the NBA cares about LENGTH, and WINGSPAN, and POTENTIAL. Sonics, I curse you from Percodan-land.

Oh, and, yes, I'll cheer for Adam Morrison, but, man, that guy just OOZES stuck-up jock prig.

In Seahawks news, the Hawks are now scheduled to play up to 16 regular season games next year, though they must make it through a few preseason games first.

Well, I'm slipping, and the dog is annoying me, so I'm going to take him outside so he can run free, poop, and then run free some more.

I promise I'll do better next time! Gavin sucks!

posted by colin_hesse @ 3:05 PM  1 comments


At 3:18 PM, Blogger nach said...

I'm so proud of you Colin! Think of it as proof that competence is the road to sucess in the 'academic' communications world.


Post a Comment

<< Home


We Wrote These...