Crushed Optimists

We are twin brothers who grew up in Central Washington. This blog is devoted to the life of Seattle sports fans, as well as various other topics that we will espouse for your enjoyment. We could be called another OFFICIAL SEATTLE SEAHAWKS site, but we'll take our uneducated crack at the Mariners, Sonics, and Huskies as well. A Seattle Sports Blog? Must be the land... of crushed optimism!

Monday, June 12, 2006

Hat Tip to Mike Sando...

for pointing me in the direction of this article, another pointless exercise in ranking NFL team offseasons in the space of fifty words or less. (By the way, if you aren't yet reading Mike Sando, stop reading this post right now and click on over there. Please. Go. I'll be waiting.)

I have a few reasons for also posting about this specific article, but the most pressing is that this is one article (brave) that actually takes the Patriots to task for what has been a terrible offseason.

Patriots: Coach Bill Belichick and vice president of personnel Scott Pioli have long since proved their ability to find replacement parts, but this is starting to look like a dismantling. The offense lost wideout David Givens and lineman Tom Ashworth, the defense lost linebacker Willie McGinest and cornerback Duane Starks, and the special teams lost kicker Adam Vinatieri and returner Tim Dwight. Besides wide receiver Reche Caldwell, who is expected to start, the Patriots have little to show on the other side of the ledger. Grade: F

Wow. A sports writer has the cajones to actually give "The Hallowed Patriots (a subsidiary of GOD-Co)" an "F" for their offseason? Bill Belichick, aka "Genuis"? Scott Pioli, aka "The Nerd"? The team that sports icons (snicker) Peter King and Petey Prisco (aka "The Two Peteys") are already predicting to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl next year?

Actually, it is fun to imagine Peter King reading this article.

"Hmmmm, the Dolphins get an A. Good, they're on the East Coast. Oh, and the Giants with an A-? Yes, I'll get to kiss the buttocks of Eli Manning a few more times. Hmmmm, Seahawks with an A-? Uh oh. Might have to go to the dreaded Western Coast sometime this year and do some "reporting". Do they have Starbucks in Seattle? I always forget. Redskins with a B? Well, I would have given them an A+++, but whatever. Same with the Panthers, who really should have won the NFC last year. Stupid Lofa Tatupu hurting the best running back out there, Nate Goings. Cowboys with a B-? But they have T.O. now, and that will make Drew Bledose, all of a sudden, a Super Bowl capable quarterback! Wait a second.... We're into the C grades, and I don't see New England?"

Skim. Skim.

"An F! Are you *&#&-ing kidding me? This is Boston! What about David Ortiz, huh? I mean, he's in Boston too, and I write about him every week in my non-football thoughts (more like all-Boston and my daughter's lame sports team). Well, I'll show Phil Barber by, next week, writing about how awesome the Patriots and Tom Brady really are! How Corey Dillon will rebound to awesomeness! How the Pats have some great wide receivers! How Willie McGinest really wasn't that important (wait, already wrote that)."

He'll then put down his EggMcMuffin, and write an absolutely stunning article about the Ultimate NFL Training Camp Trip, or, as I like to call it, the Ultimate East Coast Fan's and Stupid Fat Guy's Training Camp Trip. Go to such awesome training camps as Albany (Giants), Bethlehem (Eagles), Westminster (Ravens), Latrobe (Steelers, where King says you might not be able to get a Big Ben autograph (insert horrible joke about motorcycle accident here)), Berea (Browns), and finally an actual NFL destination in Green Bay (no joke needed here).

Yeah! You mean.... I get to go to Ohio! Wisconsin! Baltimore!

I can't think of a more FUN-ERRIFIC place to go! Especially since I don't need to cross the Mississippi! (actually, that might be wrong. I don't DO geography. I'm a communications major. However, I thought it was a good joke, so I decided to write it. Yes, I know I could have googled it. Again, what major am I? I'm lazy.)

Actually, after visiting the Hall of Fame, King actually ends the trip by writing this... "Drive 58 miles to the airport in Cleveland in mid-afternoon. Go home. Be heartbroken, for two reasons: You've got to get up for work in the morning -- and the trip of dreams is over."

Must. Contain. Laugh. At. Horrible. Writing.

Personally, I thought the first reason to be heartbroken was that you had to go to Cleveland. KIDDING!!

Continuing to make fun of Lord King, is his Stat of the Week seriously about Marshall Faulk, proclaiming that Faulk hasn't managed to run 100 yards in the last 25 games? Gee, I wonder what changed in the past 25 games for the Rams? Hmmmm. Better put on the ol' thinking cap there...... AHA! Mr. Jackson, I presume? Next stat of the week: Rich Gannon threw 0 passing yards last year while providing color commentary for CBS.

His factoid:

On Mondays during the regular season, NFL teams either fax or e-mail to the league office questionable plays from that weekend's games that they'd like to have the officiating department check for accuracy.

On the cover sheet the Raiders use for this process, there is a photo of Tom Brady being stripped of the ball by Charles Woodson in the 2001 divisional playoff game. The officials called the play an incomplete pass, a call the Raiders resent to this day. Obviously.

Quick! Cue The Sports Guy! A team is still complaining about an obvious bad call that hurt their chances at winning a Super Bowl!

Then we get to the random garbage, like the laugher that every coach should be running out to go sign Big Daddy Wilkinson, he of the horrible locker room presence and age, and another laugher about what a great move the Giants made by picking up Boo Williams, who, according to the NFL History According to Peter King, was once a top-15 tight end in the NFL.

In other words, Tim Ruskell should be on the phone with Big Daddy and beside himself, screaming profanities in the air that he missed out on a dude named Boo.

Heck, this is fun, and it gets me from writing about the US Soccer Team's performance today, which was almost Ryder Cup-ish in it's awfulness. Good job, US Team! Way to help the soccer craze grow, er, begin, in America!

Thus, let's continue on to the recent article by the Crushed Optimist's favorite writer of all time, Pete Prisco, about how good the Giants will be because..... well, because Tom Coughlin says so.

warning: clicking on above link will actually carry you to an article written by Pete Prisco. Pregnant women or individuals suffering from heart conditions should not click.

Logic chain by Prisco.

A. Tom Coughlin is always correct when assessing his team.
B. Tom Coughlin says that the Giants will be good.
C. The Giants will be good.

UNBREAKABLE!! I can't spot any weakness in that chain. Petey continues to talk about the offseason workouts from one Eli Manning, who, after being heralded as a long-lost descendent of Jesus Christ (lineage being kept secret by an albino, Opus Dei, and Tom Hanks), played like crap the final half of the regular season and the playoff game against the Panthers. But now, see, Manning has worked on "the cerebral part of the game".

Well, that stuff has worked well for the other Manning, who, by this point in his career, has won about 17 Super Bowls.

Prisco also spouts platitudes at Sinorice Moss, who will give the Giants a much-needed receiver down the middle (um..... Shockey?), Barber, Sam Madison, and Corey Webster, who sounds seriously like a 60s teenage TV actor.

Next, from the "Blind Squirrel Finds Nut" files, either Pete Prisco OR Peter King will be right about the Steve McNair signing. King declares McNair "done" and says that the move won't mean that much, while Prisco declares that McNair has two years left, enough time for a playoff push. Who will be right? Stay tuned....

From the "Stating the Blinding Obvious" file: Prisco reports that the Arizona Cardinals are considering switching up their offensive line. Wow. You think? Moving Reggie Wells to center could be JUST THE MOVE that the Cards need! He then, in a stunningly stupid comparison, states that the combo of Leonard Davis and Deuce Lutui has the potential to be, for Edge, what Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson was for Shaun. Yes, because Davis is just as good as Walter, and Lutui will be just as good as Hutch.

From the "Remember the GOD-Co Joke?" file: Prisco decides that the Pats trading for Jonathan Sullivan could pay off big-time. Look for Bill Belichick to get the best out of Sullivan. If that doesn't work, the peer pressure will. The feeling here is that the Pats landed a solid player who will help this season for a player who offered little in Johnson. Once Sullivan goes through the car wash, the Patriots will have a different player.

This is the type of Pats analysis that gets to me. You add an unproven player to Bill Belichick and Bruschi, and, all of a sudden, Sullivan will be dominant. By the way, where is that feeling again? Here? In Petey-ville?

Well, that ties up this post in a neat little circle. Go Hawks!

posted by colin_hesse @ 12:15 PM  2 comments


At 7:50 PM, Blogger Tash said...

The Patriots are going to go 19 & 0 this season! How DARE you even suggest that their not the same (or even better?) then the team that has Dominated the NFL for the last century!?! Repent!

Patriots draft? A+++

We can stick basically anyone who's name isn't Chad Brown or Dian Starks into our defensive system & they become a pro bowler the next morning! Why? We're actually planning on moving Jonathan Sullivan to CB!

Want his stats for the year?

12 int, 76 tackles, 32 assist’s, 3 forced fumbles, 1 recovered fumbled. Twenty big hugs from BB, 7 game balls!!!

At 10:26 AM, Blogger colin_hesse said...

I KNEW I would hear from you :).


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