Crushed Optimists

We are twin brothers who grew up in Central Washington. This blog is devoted to the life of Seattle sports fans, as well as various other topics that we will espouse for your enjoyment. We could be called another OFFICIAL SEATTLE SEAHAWKS site, but we'll take our uneducated crack at the Mariners, Sonics, and Huskies as well. A Seattle Sports Blog? Must be the land... of crushed optimism!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Someone Must Stop This. Now.

Looks like a "Star Trek" prequel might be in the works, thus allowing Paramount to make more money off the original series without having to watch Shatner, Takei, and Nimoy breathe really, really hard while trying to say their lines.

The horrible news? They might be (ack!) looking at Ben Affleck to play Captain Kirk (after also allowing him to once again ruin Jack Ryan in a movie adaption of "Red Rabbit").

Words cannot express just how awful this could be. The man who once starred in "Gigli" and "Daredevil" would be allowed to portray one of the most well-known and heroic figures ever to grace television. You might as well cast Chris O'Donnell as Spock, Alicia Silverstone as Uhura, Ah-Nold as Scotty, call it "Star Trek: Forever" and be done with it.

Why do Hollywood producers fail to see just how terrible an actor this guy is?

Here are a few of my ideas of actors that just might be worthy enough to play a young Kirk.

Jimmy Fallon: Comedic value alone of him constantly smirking at everyone might be worth it.
Harrison Ford (earring included): He's still young at heart, right?
Jake Gyllenhall: Perfect segue from "Brokeback" and the slightly less-gay "Jarhead"
Brad Pitt: Would fit role of running to bed with every alien-ish woman he comes across
Kathy Bates: Best Will Shatner look-a-like ever
Toby Maguire: Kirk as 90lb teenager.... worked for Spiderman...
Patrick Stewart: Put to rest once and for all the "Kirk or Picard" arguments
Wil Wheaton: Gavin made discovery of voice credit in our new "Ghost Recon" game; if Will can do that, he can do anything (understudy Vlad Radmanovic, of course)
Kiefer Sutherland: beep.....beep.....beep (scene of Kirk torturing Klingons an instant fan favorite)
Tom Hanks: Only if he agrees to keep the mullet
Jon Heder: Napolean as Captain

In all honesty, I feel they should probably take some no-name actor and stick him in that role, because we can't take any established actor seriously in that role if his name isn't Shatner. Sorry.

But, please, no Benny. That's just terrible. Get him out as Jack Ryan as well, because his performance in "Sum of All Fears" was genuinely upsetting (less so than the scriptwriters' baffling move of completely changing Clancy's bad guys from Islamic radicals to neo-Nazi wannabe's in Germany).

posted by colin_hesse @ 12:07 PM  0 comments


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