Crushed Optimists

We are twin brothers who grew up in Central Washington. This blog is devoted to the life of Seattle sports fans, as well as various other topics that we will espouse for your enjoyment. We could be called another OFFICIAL SEATTLE SEAHAWKS site, but we'll take our uneducated crack at the Mariners, Sonics, and Huskies as well. A Seattle Sports Blog? Must be the land... of crushed optimism!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Oh yeah. I have a blog....

Now imagine a hundred of these guys attempting to dance, and you'll get a brief glimpse of my weekend....

Welcome once again, fellow travelers on the path to ABJECT BOREDOM through the month of February.

Honestly, what a boring, boring sports month, especially if you live in Seattle. We have had a post-Super Bowl loss depression brought on by a combination of poor play, poor officiating, and a tomahawk to the forehead (Family Guy reference right there). We have had the Sonics suddenly become the worst team in the NBA. That's right. The NBA. We are a worse team than Charlotte, a team that started its NBA journey last season. And the All-Star game? Besides the starters randomly trying to dance during introductions (bonus points to Steve Nash for looking entirely like a nob, and to Shaq for somehow straddling the line between tomfoolery and coolness (ahh, the good old days of high school dances when the cool guys would simply hold one hand up in the air and wave it back and forth while having a grimace/smile/smirk plastered on their face)) there is never any reason to watch that sucker. And, yes, it's cool that Nate won the Slam Dunk award, but do you honestly believe that a person who takes 22 attempts to make 2 dunks deserves to win any sort of award? 22 attempts? That percentage seems eerily similar to Gavin's winning percentage against me in basketball, mostly because I would always be losing to him and then use my extra inch in height to rock his world with a last-second shot for the win.

Oh yes. Seattle sports. Well, the Sonics are actually threatening to leave Seattle in the midst of the horror of this season, mostly because, I assume, Howard Schultz isn't quite making enough money to support the team. Howie, buddy, I'm sure there are a few street corners left in America without a Starbucks. Go for it, man. I believe in you.

Um, the Mariners? The recent stories in the press deal with how awesome a person Carl Everett is and how Willie Bloomquist might win the 2nd baseman job over Jose Lopez. That's enough to make a man wish for torture by Jack Bauer (who, by the way, really isn't killing enough people yet this season. Come on, man! We depend on you to un-p.c. our lives in ways that exhilirate and amaze us! Kill and torture some terrorists! And, by the way, writers..... we know they are supposed to be from Chechnya. You can just go out and say it. They're looking to free their homeland from Russia. That points to Chechnya. I know that might hurt some feelings to say that, but, hey, there's a FANTASTIC movie playing in Turkey right now that shows a homosexual American soldier randomly killing plenty of Muslims and then taking the bodies to a Jewish doctor who harvests the organs, so I think we can just offend some people ourselves, ok?).

What about the Olympics, Colin? What about the Olympics? The Olympics are awesome! The Olympics! Yeah! Yeah! The Olympics!

Don't make it come over there, you communist weasel.

Now, I admit, curling has been fun to watch, but the rest? Nothing to write about besides the ever interesting story of a black man feeling oppressed by his white teammate while the white teammate disrespects the black man's achievements and calls the black man many naughty names. Oh, yeah. In speedskating. Not quite Shaq/Kobe, that one. Not even Ryan Franklin/Bryan Price. At least in that debacle one of the individuals was amped up on 'roids purchased from your local Walgreens. I can't even write about women's curling anymore, because Jennifer (my beautiful bride) took one look at my last post about them and..... let's just say the ol' maritals didn't happen for a few days (probably won't happen for the next few days after this as well).

At least I was able to go to a communications conference this past weekend (AWESOME!!), which featured hundreds of people assured of their brilliance and intelligence; people who don't need to be told they are smarter then you. Did I mention there was an actual sock-hop at this event? Oh, yes. Dancing academics. I'd join you in the laughter, but I did actually dance a few songs myself, and discovered, to my horror, that I am still white, uncoordinated, and unable to learn any sort of "dance moves". Also, ladies (who am I kidding, ladies don't read this blog), don't automatically assume that all guys 1) know how to swing dance and 2) want to swing dance with you. No on both counts. You want a guy who knows how to dance? (Insert tasteless joke here). Best part of the weekend, which was titled, I kid you not: Cherishing (Our) Time (Together). No, I have no idea what the parentheses were for. A few of us were guessing that the title was the end result of a Mad Libs, so it could also read:

Cherishing (Colin) Time (At Disney World)
Cherishing (Burrito) Time (Book Club)
Cherishing (Jeffrey Dahmer) Time (Cafeteria)

You get the idea. Anyways, the best part was the opening act, which was a performance piece by several faculty members. Hint: If you are a member of a faculty that doesn't have the word "Theatre" in the title, you should probably stay off the stage. Hint #2: If you are going to have a conference with a cheesy togetherness title, you probably shouldn't lead off the conference with an hour and a half performance bashing anyone who is even moderately conservative.

Fortunately, the conference was in Palm Springs, so I didn't actually attend most of the conference. For good reason. Did I mention that this is my career choice? (Cue laughter fading into sobbing) Bonus points in Palm Springs goes to the English pub I ate at Sunday night, where I, for the first time in my life, tipped the waitress a whopping 0 pennies due to the absence of anything one might deem "service". For example, "service" means not having to wait 40 minutes before someone TAKES YOUR ORDER! "Service" means that when you order a $2 beer during Happy Hour, you don't #1) forget what beer you had ordered, #2) bring a light beer instead of the regular beer, #3) take another 20 minutes to bring another beer, and then, #4) charge you $5 for that beer. Just a couple of pointers for everyone out there in the service industry. Super bonus points goes to the helpful staff at the Riviera Resort, who managed to give my compadre and myself a room that, when we entered it, had a room temperature of 60 degrees. I should know. We checked. Well, turns out the heat wasn't working, so a nice chap came over, tinkered about for what couldn't have been more than 15 seconds, deemed the problem "fixed" and left promptly. Sure enough, the temperature started going up, and it was about 7o degrees when we fell asleep for the night. When we woke up? 90 degrees. No, I'm not kidding. The utter MORON had simply turned off the AC and turned on the heat. Well, at least the room wasn't $200 a night. Oh, wait......

Anyhoo, I'll still be posting intermittently throughout the next couple of weeks before Gavin and I start rocking it with NCAA tournament stuff and MLB previews (extra preview: The M's are going to suck eggs).

Hope you're all having a great week, people!

posted by colin_hesse @ 11:06 AM  2 comments


At 5:18 PM, Anonymous MarinerGeek said...

I'm going to let it slide this one time, but if you plan to use my photograph on your Blog, I would appreciate it if you would as for permission first.

At 2:51 PM, Blogger Gavin said...

I'll give Colin the warning... sometimes he forgets.


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